Pants on fire, hanging from a telephone wire

In celebration of today’s holiday, National Liars, Fibbers and Storytellers Day, I’ve answered each of these 7 Deadly Sin related questions with a blatant lie.

Pride: What is your biggest contribution to the world?
I buy belts by the dozens, then travel all around the country giving them to poor teenage boys. Boys who don’t have the resources to shop anywhere other than thrift stores that don’t have their size in pants, requiring them to wear ones that are so large that they hang below their posteriors. I give these unfortunate souls belts so they will no longer fear walking down the street and losing their pants, causing them untold embarrassment and causing surrounding people damaged eyes. I feel that I am truly making a difference in the world.

Gluttony: What did you eat last night?
Last night’s chef on duty was my Oriental chef. He created a tasty Sweet and Sour mango coconut cream soup, served with a dollop of mango cilantro chutney. I licked the bowl.

Envy: What do your friends and acquaintances wish they had which is yours?
Hands down, my juggling skills. No, I’m not talking my fabulous ability to juggle all the elements of my life, I’m talking about literal juggling. I once juggled 3 knives, 2 carrots, a giant pot, and 7 baby geese. Goslings, really. Oh, and 4 fire sticks. You know, like the Polynesians use in those cool fire dances. When I was done, I made a stew that was quite tasty.

Lust: What really lights your fire?
Every single day, I lust after a man with a very hairy back— one who is simply heavenly in his hirsute-ness. I’m quite jealous of this woman:

I constantly dream of running my fingers through back hair, winding it around all ten of my fingers. And if that back hair is long enough to french braid.... Mm, mm, mm. So hot.

Anger: What’s the last thing that really made you mad?
It makes me so hoppin mad when my kids don’t argue, I think I could spit. I try very hard every day... nay, every hour to experience the whole gamut of emotions that life has to offer. When my kids are being peaceful, kindhearted, and loving toward one another, I feel like the Spirit of Contention is missing from my life. I don’t feel.... fulfilled. I need strife in my life.

Slothful: What is the laziest thing you’ve ever done?
Once, I spent an entire week in bed, reading every single title in my To Read shelf on Goodreads. I let the maid take care of the kids as well as clean the house, and I told my chefs that they had to work overtime so they could bring me breakfast and lunch in bed, instead of just dinner. I drank as little as humanly possible, to avoid having to get up as often when nature called. Oh, and I didn’t shower that entire week. Greed: What do you keep from others?
My money tree. It actually looks exactly like a Chinese Elm (er, I mean Siberian Elm— my bad.), so it often gets looked over by the random passerby.

I have a goose that lays golden eggs, too. It’s charmed to look like a mangy long-haired cat, and the golden eggs are shaped exactly like hair balls. Actually, that one I do share with the world a little.

Gosh, that was fun! You should try it! I really want to read what you come up with...